Dear Dr. Love: We are a married couple, late 20’s, whose sex lives are dwindling to nothing. We used to go at it like rabbits a few years ago, and now we are lucky if we work up the passion once every couple of weeks. I love my husband to death, but I don’t see this working in the long term. We have talked about it, of course, and we both agree that something needs to be done. We just are not sure what. Any ideas?

Feeling like a Desperate Housewife in New Orleans

Dear Desperate: I have a zillion ideas, none of which may be applicable to your marriage. Your lament, however, is as old as the hills. I could suggest a plethora of fantasies, role-playing exercises and the like. Yet none of them necessarily would serve as a triggering mechanism for you and your husband. Sex is a funny business. What I would say is both of you are ready to explore. You have completed the vanilla phase of the relationship, and now you either need new partners or new shared experiences. Whatever it might be, it starts with open dialogue, even if both of you have to drag it out of each other. Think of it this way: If Teri Hatcher dropped into your living room and made a move on your husband, he probably would spring to attention in a second. Okay, that is not going to happen.

But that would be a good place to begin the conversation. Start with an absurd fantasy and evolve to more obtainable ones. You have no idea what is lurking inside your husband’s head. Whatever it is, it is worth discovering sooner rather than later, even if it is something you find abhorrent. You just know you can’t stay on the present path. That path leads to failure. Now you and your husband may be doomed to fail as it is. But why waste anymore time than necessary on failure? Men sometimes are simple souls. A good blow job can change their sexual dynamic in an instant. You become his hopeless cock-sucker, and the next thing you know, he is ready to make you his personal slut, and the fireworks are blasting above your home.

Popularity: 10%

Dear Dr. Love: I just lost my virginity to my girlfriend, and she has
been getting upset with me, saying I don’t know what I’m doing in bed, and
I’m afraid that I’ll lose her. I don’t know where to start.

Adam.

Dear Adam: Oh, my, Adam. What am I going to do with you? You are playing in the men’s end of the swimming pool now, so be a man. Act like one. Behave like one. This is not a pity party. I don’t want to hear how you are afraid of losing her. We are all afraid of loss, Adam, no matter how old. You just have to accept that loss is part of life, whether it is the loss of a dear relative or the loss of a girlfriend who is wearing the tight jeans in a relationship. But that is your fault, not hers.

You have allowed her to put her jeans on one leg at a time, and your only response is, “Boo-hoo. Woe is me.” Well, enough already. Women still adore confident, take-charge men, regardless of the feminist movement that would have men in aprons. If your girlfriend really likes you, she will work with you in the bedroom and allow you to grow. But I don’t think the bedroom is really the issue here. You may be a novice in the bedroom, but you are a prolific novice if you want to be, ever able to hold repeat performances.

No, I don’t think this is about sex. I think it is about power. And your girlfriend wants the power in the relationship. She senses your insecurity in the bedroom, and she is using it to her advantage. Threatening to leave someone because the person is inexperienced is bad form, and rather childish. Let me ask you this, Adam: Is your girlfriend the pass-around chick in the neighborhood. How does she have all this vast sexual knowledge? Is it from osmosis or practical experience? You might broach this topic with her in the future, if only to level the playing field. Let me take a stab at what she might say: She will say she has had just one boyfriend in the past.

What she won’t tell you is they probably did it 500 times a day. They did it in the backseat of the car, in the woods, wherever they could have a moment’s privacy. Now she is using this experience as a hammer on you, beating you around, threatening you, going on the ultimate power trip. This is not a relationship. This is a disaster. And if I have judged the tone of your desperation correctly, she will be kicking you to the curb soon enough, no matter what you do in the bedroom. I don’t care if you end up being able to perform sex while standing on your head. I don’t care if you end up having more moves than a gymnast. Take it all in stride, Adam. Have fun but be prepared. In the end, this union will hit a dead end, and I suspect you will be better from it.

Popularity: 7%

Dear Dr. Love: I want to know how to give my fiance a lap dance that he will love and the things to say to him.

Lap Dance Dabbler.

Dear Dabbler: First things first. More is less in the art of lap dancing, meaning the artist wears more clothes than one might think. The great beauty is men tend to fill in the blanks with their overheated imaginations. Now the practical side: dim light, soft music, an air of relaxation that allows both parties to inhale the moment. And thus the slow, studied movement of the lap-dance artist ensues from a tantalizing distance, just far enough to let both parties touch. You do not have to wear overly provocative outfits.

But it helps if your attire is suggestive, as men define suggestive. And for a man, the ensemble is fairly basic: hose-covered legs ensconced in spikes, and show those legs, the more the better, with ample cleavage as well, topped by a made-up face, with the requisite red lipstick. Don’t try to figure it out. It just is. Now you are in the opening moments of your dance and the object of your desires undoubtedly has a small smile on his face and his eyes are affixed to your enticing rhythms. Now that the mood has been set, you increase the energy in the air with the proper commentary and soft oohs and ahs. Again, less is more here. You do not want to be an orator or gas bag. You just want to get your message across, which pretty much is: I want all of you inside me. And that, really, is the power of the lap dance, although the latter usually does not happen in those impersonal gentlemen’s clubs where anonymous men pay to have a lap dance. But that does not apply to you or your lover, so I am left to assume that the big bang at the completion of the exercise is not about money but about the Big-O, or orgasm. As you go along in your choreographed lap dance, you start to move closer to your desire, always remembering that you are the forbidden fruit and that you will not succumb easily.

By now, he may want to pull you ever closer. No, wait. You do not allow that until after you have sat down and started to grind his pelvic region. At this point, he should be dying, and he is all yours. The entire lap dance should not take more than three or four minutes, provided both parties have started with a drink or two to get into the mood. Remember, a good lap dancer is part performing artist. Yes, underneath it, there is a sexual twist. But the sexual aspect is restrained, always held at bay until need overwhelms the art.

Popularity: 9%

Dear Dr. Love: How can a guy best please a lesbian?

Lover of Lesbians in Austin, Tex

Dear Lesbian Lover: For starters, get on mega-doses of estrogen under the care of an endocrinologist. In a relatively short period of time, just months, you will start to have breast development and a redistribution of fat to your rear and hips. As time progresses, you gradually will lose all vestiges of your male self, excluding the thing dangling between your legs. I know this process sounds extreme, but if you are lover of lesbians and actually want to be involved with one on a deep level, I see no other way.

Lesbians, by definition, are attracted to women. You might as well be Michael Jackson hoping to look vaguely human one day. Again, you are a man, which means you have only the slightest chance of attracting a lesbian’s sexual interest, and probably only after she has consumed copious of liquor. I ask you: Who wants to be in a shallow dating pool? In your case, to increase your chances of success, it probably would be wise to join the other side instead of spending a lifetime in frustration, pining for something you are ill-equipped to attract. I have no idea if you would make an attractive woman — no photo was enclosed — but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Lesbian 101: women attracted to other women; men need not apply. Otherwise, I have not met the guy who can please a lesbian in bed. A bisexual woman, yes. But that is a different question, and one that does not resolve your difficult situation.

Popularity: 7%

Dear Dr. Love: I was dumped in the worst possible manner. My birthday and my guy calls to say he can’t make it. Then starts saying he doesn’t think it’s working. I say thanks for being honest, but did he have to do it on my birthday? Well, apparently, he forgot the big day and then starts saying he can’t hear me because his phone is “cutting out.” He never called again. Work has been hell to get through. Can you cheer me up?

Dumped On in the Abyss of Despair

Dear Dumped: Only you can cheer yourself up, and the sooner more of you realize it, the better the relationship world will be. Alas, too many of you go into relationships looking to drink from the fountain of unthinkable bliss, ascribing powers to a partner that just do not exist on a practical level. I see and hear of too many partnerships that lose their moorings because the romance starts to wane and everyday duties intrude far more on quality time than anyone realized.

I wish more partnerships started from the more realistic concept of complementary parts than the Hollywood-spun notion of soul mates. Love is only blind for a short period of time before the ability to pull your weight determines the quality of a relationship. Cheer you up, Dumped On? No way. Impossible. You need to look yourself in the mirror and see what it is about you that allowed you to be involved with a guy who calls it quits on your birthday from a cell phone that is supposedly breaking up. If you did not have bad taste in men, you would have no taste at all.

I suspect this is not the first time you have been dumped by a guy, and it certainly won’t be the last, because you have been programmed by Hollywood, Madison Avenue and the talk shows that love is some sort of magical place when, in reality, it is hard, tough, unyielding work. You are choosing your potential mates from the wrong template. Thus, you are forever doomed unless you start plumbing your depths.

Popularity: 6%