Dear Dr. Love: How can a guy best please a lesbian?

Lover of Lesbians in Austin, Texas

Dear Lesbian Lover: For starters, get on mega-doses of estrogen under the care of an endocrinologist. In a relatively short period of time, just months, you will start to have breast development and a redistribution of fat to your rear and hips. As time progresses, you gradually will lose all vestiges of your male self, excluding the thing dangling between your legs. I know this process sounds extreme, but if you are lover of lesbians and actually want to be involved with one on a deep level, I see no other way. Lesbians, by definition, are attracted to women. You might as well be Michael Jackson hoping to look vaguely human one day. Again, you are a man, which means you have only the slightest chance of attracting a lesbian’s sexual interest, and probably only after she has consumed copious of liquor. I ask you: Who wants to be in a shallow dating pool? In your case, to increase your chances of success, it probably would be wise to join the other side instead of spending a lifetime in frustration, pining for something you are ill-equipped to attract. I have no idea if you would make an attractive woman — no photo was enclosed — but nothing ventured, nothing gained. Lesbian 101: women attracted to other women; men need not apply. Otherwise, I have not met the guy who can please a lesbian in bed. A bisexual woman, yes. But that is a different question, and one that does not resolve your difficult situation.

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